Losing My Religion

I’ve met God across his long walnut desk with his diplomas hanging on the wall behind him, and God asks me, … Didn’t I realize that each of us is a sacred, unique snowflake of special unique specialness? Can’t I see how we’re all manifestations of love?
I look at God behind his desk, taking notes on a pad, but God’s got this all wrong.
We are not special.
We are not crap or trash, either.
We just are.
We just are, and what happens just happens.
And God says, “No, that’s not right.”

Yeah. Well. Whatever. You can’t teach God anything.

― Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club




My favorite local coffee shop in town does that thing where they have two tip jars, and wherever you put your tip is answering a question. For example, this morning’s question was “Which Harrison Ford?” The two tip jars were labeled “Han Solo” and “Indiana Jones.” I’ll confess, I paused a long moment deciding in which jar to drop my coins. (I mean, seriously, could there be a more difficult frivolous question? They are both my #1 answer!) 

I have a pretty good time checking out what categories they come up with every day, and studies show that these “category” tip jars actually garner more tips than unlabeled jars. This is because it’s the very nature of our brains to want to put things into categories. 

Categories, and their corresponding labels, help our brains make sense of large amounts of information quickly. I’ll skip the cognitive psychology lecture for you though. What’s important to know is that the labels our brains create (aka schema) work really well for most things in this world, but they create a lot of problems when we apply them to human beings. It is much more difficult to imagine and see people for the complex individuals that we are, and our brain actively fights this by wanting to categorize everyone. This, of course, is how we end up with ugly things like racism, sexism, classism, etc. 

Lately, I’ve been pondering not only how we put others into categories, but ourselves as well. We see ourselves in very specific ways, and sometimes I wonder which came first - the labels we have for ourselves, or the behaviors that give us those labels. And what happens when those things change, but no one wants to change their label for you?

 ~ 

When I was 22, I was nearing the end of a six-month road trip with my friend Charlie, and her biggest stress in those final days of traveling was what she called “ having an identity crisis.”

“Who am I,” she asked fretfully, “if I’m not a nomadic adventurer living out of a van?” 

It was a label she was about to lose - one that she liked very much. 

~ 

Here’s a good test of the labels people have for you. When people introduce you at a party, what’s the tidbit of info they share about you? Mine, without fail, is always exactly the same. 

“This is Gretchen. She runs hundred-mile marathons.” 

Although I completely, 100% identify as a Runner with a capital “R,” I still cringe lately when I hear this introduction. It’s not just that I have to bite my tongue and politely refrain from informing people that there is no such thing as a hundred-mile marathon, that a marathon is a specific distance of 26.2 miles (okay, unless you’re in South Africa, but I digress). It’s mostly the fact that then I have to talk about myself. Specifically, I am obligated to talk about running “hundred-mile marathons.” 

But lately, I feel completely talked-out on the subject. I’ve written thousands of words on it. Like, what else could I possibly have to say about it? I didn’t even write a race report for my last hundred-miler because meh. I didn’t care to. 

When I run into people around town, or see friends I haven’t seen in a long time, the conversation inevitably starts with, “How’s the running going?” And lately, the answer is always, “Oh, I’m not doing much running lately.” (And invariably, no one believes me.) 

Like I said, I completely identify as a runner, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. When something has been such an ingrained part of your life for so long, it doesn't just disappear. I also don’t think you need to be actively doing it to still see it as a part of you. But here’s the thing: I’m starting to realize that might be the only thing people see me as. A runner. 

Before training for ultras sucked all of my time away, I was many things. A rock climber, a painter, a knitter, a skier, a photographer. I think it’s fine that I don’t have as much time for those things; it’s all a choice. But I still see them as part of who I am. Labels that fit me.

You know what I’m getting off on these days? Teaching. No joke. This is what’s taking up all of my time. 

It’s not because I’ve become some crazy workaholic. Ha! Never. It’s because I’ve somehow reached this magical little place in my career where things are interesting and exciting, where I am supported professionally and creatively, where I have confidence in my skills but a drive to learn moremoremore every day. It is quite possible, in fact, that it is learning that I love more than teaching. 

I struggle to explain it all adequately, but somehow, the passion and creativity that used to go into writing, that used to fuel me through 80-mile training weeks, is all going into my classroom. And it’s FUN. 

It seems ironic to me that “teacher” is a label that most of my friends do not ascribe to me. Or maybe they do, but it just doesn’t sound as exciting as “runs hundred-mile marathons.” 

I don’t know that this joyride through my career will last forever, but I’m onboard until the tracks run out. And since summer vacation began in mid-June, I’ve been dipping my toes back into some of those other identities. Rock climber, guitar player, maybe even writer. 

~ 

In the past, my training has been fueled by my love of racing. For some reason, it’s not fashionable for non-elite runners to admit to competitiveness. This is especially true, I think, for women. But I’ll go ahead and own it. I have always loved racing. Even when I’ve had less-than-optimal fitness, I’ve nearly always toed the line at races with an intention to throw down my best performance. I mean, otherwise, what’s the point, right? 

I love running, but signing up for a race has always been what gets me out the door to train. I am religious about writing out a season-long training plan for myself, and meticulous about recording the results of each day’s workout. 

Or at least, I used to be. 

At the moment, racing just isn't as sacred as it once was, and the daily prayer of going for a run is most often left unsaid. 

So I guess it’s not surprising that a waning interest in racing over the last few years has led to a dramatic drop in my running mileage. That’s okay. I have other labels to embody. 

Since the Broken Arrow Skyrace in mid-June, my racing calendar has been completely blank. It’s something of a disconcerting feeling, but there’s also something new and exciting about it. It’s as though, with no specific goals to train for, I am rediscovering other reasons I love to run. 

Community appears to be a big reason. At least half of my runs in the past month have been with friends and/or group runs with the Donner Party Mountain Runners. These people give me a reason to get out the door, and they are completely awesome to boot. 

Meditative alone time is clearly my other motivation. I’ve written many times before about the relationship between running and writing, so it comes as no surprise to me that when my running mileage drops so too does my inspiration to write. Most of my writing is an act of reflection, a processing of my experience or that of others, and that reflection nearly always begins when I am out on the trails. Without that uninterrupted time for my mind to wander, to give my thoughts the freedom to follow any path and see where it leads, I find it nearly impossible to squeeze my enormous emotions and jumbled ideas into the inadequate packages of words, sentences, and paragraphs. 

~ 

We all take on roles and identities throughout the course of our lives - ones that evolve and change. Child, student, athlete, nerd, musician, parent, teacher, artist, lover. The ones that stay with us the longest may have the most impact on shaping how others see us and how we see ourselves. Girl, daughter, runner, friend. 

While it’s not so easy to shed these various identities like dirty clothes at the end of the day, maybe we can still claim them even if it’s not who we are every day. When I am injured, I am a runner. When I am uninspired and write nothing, I am a writer. When I only lace up my shoes one day a week (or month), I am a runner. When I write horrifically bad poetry that no one will ever see, I am a writer. When I run three miles instead of ten (or 30, or 100), I am a runner. When the only writing I do is writing comments and feedback for revision on student papers, I am a writer. 

What I find somewhat surprising is that, of those two identities - runner and writer - the one I miss the most right now is writer. 

 ~ 

The more labels I pin to myself, the more I feel I am defying any single one of them. Of course, we all defy our labels, in spite of our brains’ need to have them. Is this because we are all “unique snowflakes of special unique specialness”? Not exactly. I think we just are who we are, and human beings can be a difficult puzzle to solve. 

I think that for people to understand and connect with one another, we must, as author John Green encourages in many of his writings, imagine others complexly. This includes how we imagine and see ourselves. Snowflakes are unique, but puzzles are complex. 

~ 

This summer, I have embarked on a quest to rekindle the fire of my various passions. No teaching - it’s time for EVERYTHING ELSE! 

This includes running, which, I’m not kidding, I feel like I’m completely rediscovering. In a very low-mileage way, that is. I returned from an early morning track workout with DPMR one day this week and declared, wide-eyed, to Andrew, “God, I feel so good!” Like, what a wondrous thing! Who knew? 

It also includes writing. Even if all I manage to cobble together is a collection of confusing and somewhat unrelated thoughts about labels and identity and running. 

Running and writing: the Han Solo and Indiana Jones of my identities. They are both my #1 answer.

New identity: Ski Mountaineer. (Mt. Shasta summit, 14,180') 

Highway 61 Revisited

At the Java Moose, in Grand Marais, MN, circa 1999

"How does it feel? To be on your own, with no direction home, a complete unknown, like a rolling stone?" 

- Bob Dylan, "Like a Rolling Stone" (From Highway 61 Revisited)


In the fall of 1996, after I’d finished hiking the PCT, I moved to St. Paul, MN, taking up residence outside of southern California for the first time in my life. I was 22 years old.

The beauty of being 22 is that you have enough life experience to give you some confidence and determination without saddling you with the fear and hesitation that age can sometimes bring.

I was an Orange County girl who was a little afraid she would never get out.

Even by the mildest of standards, Minnesota would not be considered by most to be a hotbed of big adventure. (Most people just don’t know!) I’d had a roommate my freshman year of college who was from St. Paul, and she was living there and in the market for a roommate again. Lacking any other plan for my life, it was an easy sell, and I was off to Minnesota, just like that.

Though my roommate was a dear friend, our lives somehow did not intertwine much that year. Here’s what I did my first year ever of living in a city:

(1) Quickly got a job at a gear store called MidwestMountaineering. I’m not sure the Minnesota natives who worked there fully understood the irony of that name. Their store t-shirt depicted someone portaging a canoe. (On the other hand, I guess that did show that they knew what "mountaineering" in the Midwest really meant.)

(2) Learned to navigate the bus system. Don’t laugh. Before the internet era of easily accessible maps and timetables, this was not easy. Especially for a girl who’d always had a car.

(3) Adjusted my “It’s too cold to go for a run” standard to anything colder than -20F.

(4) Attended “employee only” parties with TNF athletes like Conrad Anker and Lynn Hill. OMFG!!!

(5) Got another job as an assistant teacher at an elementary school.

(6) Got another job as a middle school track coach. (See any patterns emerging here?)

Incidentally, it was tough making it to all my jobs on time with an unreliable bus system. That summer was when I bought my little red pick-up truck. Such a symbol of adulthood and independence!

Flash back to a couple years earlier when I was in college and just discovering the world of outdoor sports, falling in love with being a rock climber. Here are a few things that happened at that time:

1. I read a book called Annapurna: A Woman’s Place by a woman named Arlene Blum. In addition to being an accomplished climber and guide, Arlene Blum was the director of an organization called Woodswomen. They led all-women adventure trips in the outdoors. They were located in Minneapolis, MN.
2. I read another book called Leading Out: Women Climbers, Reaching for the Top. I adored this book! Its dog-eared pages and underlined passages still grace my overcrowded bookshelf. It was a collection of essays by a variety of women climbers, many of whom, as it happened, were from Minnesota, some of them former guides for Woodswomen. (Why were so many amazing women from Minnesota??)
3. I distinctly recall sitting in my dorm room reading an article in a magazine profiling three different women and their unusual careers. One of these women was Beth Wald, a climber and professional photographer. She traveled all over the world taking pictures of incredible climbing feats and other outdoor sports. I was a sports photographer for my college paper at the time and an aspiring climber. This woman, I knew, had my absolute dream job. I cut out the article and saved it.

Back in Minnesota, and the track season was over. School was out for summer. With Midwest Mountaineering as my only remaining source of income, I applied for, and got, a job at, … where else? Woodswomen. I was a summer intern.

Now I was guiding women in adventures all over the state, doing sports I’d never tried before. I learned to paddle a canoe. I taught women and kids how to rock climb. I drove the support van on a week-long horseback riding trip. (There was no way they were getting me on a horse!) I was giddy with the brilliance of it all. "Look what I’m doing!" was a daily exclamation I made to myself.

One evening, I was having a beer with a couple friends I worked with at Midwest Mountaineering. One friend was trying to give some moral support to a friend of his, Beth, whom he’d invited along. She was apparently in crisis about what direction to take her life. We’d been chatting about this for nearly 40 minutes before I caught her last name.

“Wait!” I said loudly, slapping my hand on the table, drawing everyone’s attention. My jaw had dropped. “You’re Beth Wald?!” I didn’t know what to say. Here I was faced with this real-life, every-day, normal person, who also just happened to be my personal role model.

Of course, I told her the story of the magazine article. I don’t know if this helped her with her life crisis at all, but I like to think that it did.

That winter, I moved to northern Minnesota to take a job as a dog handler for a musher guiding dogsled trips for women.

Kisses from Wasimo, a badass lead dog on the dogsled team.

Running dogs is still one of my favorite things I have ever done.

That covers my first 18 months in Minnesota.

After that, I got a summer job guiding teenagers on climbing and canoeing trips up in the Boundary Waters. I met my husband there, and we got married in the fall of 2000 on the banks of West Bearskin Lake in the Boundary Waters.

Returning from guiding a 30-day canoe trip, and Andrew swam out to meet me.

The place holds incredibly potent and significant memories for me, but I haven’t been back to northern Minnesota in the 15 years since I got married there.

~

Last month was the 50^th anniversary of Bob Dylan’s seminal album, Highway 61 Revisited. Highway 61 runs down from Canada, through Duluth, MN, where Dylan was born, all the way to New Orleans, connecting him, Dylan felt, to the blues music and musicians he loved.

“Highway 61, the main thoroughfare of the country blues, begins about where I began. I always felt like I'd started on it, always had been on it, and could go anywhere,” Dylan said of his choice for the album title.

My own kinship with Highway 61 goes north from Duluth along the shore of Lake Superior to Grand Marais, rather than south to New Orleans, but I’ve always felt similarly to Dylan in terms of the path it held in my life at one time. From dog sledding, to canoeing, to backpacking and rock climbing – Highway 61 led me to so many new adventures. Let’s not forget falling in love!

Wedding in the Boundary Waters, October 2000.

This week, I’m finally headed back to Highway 61 for another adventure. I’ll be attempting to go 100 miles on the Superior Hiking Trail in the Superior 100 which begins on Friday.

I’ll be trying to tap into that 22-year-old version of myself. That girl who had never been in temps below 30F but decided -20F was acceptable running weather. That girl who thought driving a team of huskies across a frozen lake was a perfect activity for someone born and raised in Orange County.

You see, lately I’m feeling a bit of that “on my own” spirit I had in my 20s, and finding a little of the “on my own” strength that being 22 provided. 

It’s been one year since my mother passed away, and it is not an understatement to say I still feel devastated by this loss every day. 

For complicated reasons, my husband took a job out of state (ironically, in Minnesota, though he will have to work while I am out there for my race). I miss him desperately.

I started a new job last week, and I go back and forth between being incredibly excited and incredibly overwhelmed. 

So many new things.

And this race? I am definitely afraid.

Of course, it’s not my first 100-miler, but let’s face it – muscle memory can only get you so far. I am under-trained, and I’m going without a pacer. "On my own," as it were. A rolling stone.

This thought both thrills and scares me. And that, I think, is a good thing.

And yes, here is where I’m going to put that famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote. Sorry if you’ve heard it too many times to count. It still speaks to me.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

It’s not that this thing is really going to be a horror. The death of a loved one puts that kind of thing into stark perspective. It is, after all, just a race. Just a run.

But, still.

My running club, the Donner Party Mountain Runners, has the tagline “Unafraid.” It is taken directly from words about the real DonnerParty. In talking about it with a fellow club member the other day though, we both admitted that we are plenty afraid. The important thing isn’t really to be fearless, it’s to go forward in spite of your fear. That is where real strength lies. That is how you grow.

I definitely knew that when I was 22. This seems like a good time to remind myself.

With that in mind, perhaps T Swift’s “22” is a better theme song here than Dylan’s “Like a Rolling Stone.” With apologies to Bob for the major shift in musical genre, that’s the direction I’m going.

“Yeah, we’re happy, free, confused, and lonely in the best way! Yeah, it’s miserable and magical, oh yeah!” – Taylor Swift, “22”

See you soon, Minnesota!

Stargazing

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. - Ralph Waldo Emerson


As many of you know, 2014 was not exactly a banner year in my household. I seriously considered writing a satirical Christmas letter filled with only the bad stuff, but I wasn't sure my friends and family would appreciate my attempt to laugh at it all.

The reality, though, is that there were many, many wonderful small moments this year. Mostly they were moments of love. Love from my family, and love from my spectacularly wonderful husband. For us, it seems that hard times have brought us all closer, and that is certainly a reason to celebrate.

I look forward to better things in 2015, but for now, here is a glance back at a few things that made me smile this year.

January rock climbing in Tahoe with my sweetie.

With sister Laura at the annual SnowJam in Arnold.

Chicks at Way Too Cool 50K

Skiing!

After a run up Old 40, JP and Kathy D still aren't tired!

The Lake Sonoma 50 crew.

Finding friends at the bottom of Eldorado Canyon.

Before the Bishop 100K

Recovery drinks after a run on the Flume Trail.

The Dream Team (Laura and Jamie) at San Diego 100.

Monday evening run with the Donner Party Mountain Runners.

Penstemon on the PCT

Four days on the TRT with an amazing group.

Post-run in the Hoover Wilderness.

Bike ride with dad in SoCal

Laura sings "I'll Fly Away"

Becoming a member of the UNAFRAID!

Pacing Victor at the Tahoe 200

Muscle power gets the concrete countertops in place!

14-year-old Gus still gets after it like a puppy!

Celebration of 14 years of marriage 

Donner Summit to Sierra City on the PCT

Fall on the trails in the Trinity Alps

Family hike along the Little Truckee River

Windows at Segerstrom Hall, where Dad and I saw the L.A. Philharmonic

Andrew and Spencer get goofy while cooking me up a fab birthday dinner.

With Helen before the start of CIM

Powder day at Sugar Bowl with my sweetie

I wish you all a happy and healthy 2015, and I hope to see you out on the trails!

Summer Summary

It's raining in Truckee!! Hallelujah. (Okay, it was raining when I started this post. That was last weekend. But the sentiment is the same.)

I'm not just grateful for rain because of this insidious drought, but also because of that nasty King Fire. The smoke in Tahoe has been stifling the last two weeks, and folks down the hill have had to evacuate. 

Fall feels a bit in the air, and with that happy fact, I am reminded to make my usual summer wrap-up post. I may be a complete bloggging slacker, but at least I have my traditions.

Unfortunately, the short summary for this summer goes like this:

It was completely shitty.

An accurate and succinct summary, if a bit lacking on details. But truthfully, I'm tired of giving the details. 

Last weekend, my husband and I visited with some friends we hadn't seen in four or five months. I came straight out and told the wife in the couple that I was tired of updating people on the upsetting events of my life, so could we just skip the "What's been happening in your life?" question? 

She replied, "Let's just talk about trail running!"

Now that is a good friend.

So for this post, I'm going to skip all the shitty parts. I can't ignore them, but I guess I don't have to relive them here. Instead, I thought I would take this opportunity to focus on all the awesome parts of this summer.

Because you know what? Even among all the challenges - the feelings of betrayal, the injustices, the immense grief - there were still some pretty awesome things that happened this summer. Reminding myself of these things is one good way of dealing with the challenges - keeping perspective, and realizing that even a shit sandwich doesn't taste as bad when you're sitting by a mountain lake with a cocktail in hand. (Okay, I'm sorry, I will stop swearing now. Terribly embarrassing, my crassness.)

So. Awesome parts of this summer, in chronological order:



Hangin' at Western States


For the first time in several years, I was neither volunteer, runner, nor pacer. I thoroughly enjoyed geeking out as a fan.

Gary Gellin nears the top of the Escarpment.

And the finish line especially. Always a social, and very emotional place to spend time.

The Trent girls await the leader at Placer High.

See what I mean about emotions? (Pictured: Rob Krar)

More emotions! Yay! (Pictured: Max King)

Fourth of July!

The fourth is always awesome in Truckee, and this year was no different. Good friends, perfect weather, parades, swimming, barbecues, bike rides, tubing down the river. Fun!

The Dream Team at the Truckee Parade.

Family Visits

Fishing day with the boys!

Game time: "I am a Pig." "I am a Camel." (Not the most flattering pic, but certainly the funniest!)

TRT 50K

Due to the fact that I spent most of June and the first part of July injured, I dropped down from the 50M distance I'd signed up for and ran the 50K (actually 55K) at TRT for the first time since 2003. Oh wow! I think I like the 50K. No Diamond Peak climb, and it's over so fast! Plus, I won. Total bonus.

And I will tell you that staying up all night to volunteer at the Tunnel Creek AS is much easier with only 55K on your legs vs. 50M. Just as much fun though!

Pre-race with the RD

TRT 173

It seems like a lot of my adventures involve the Tahoe Rim Trail, but this one was truly unique. Five runners, four days, and 173 miles of jaw-dropping scenery. 

I don't want to say too much about this one, since I SWEAR I AM GOING TO WRITE A REAL POST ABOUT IT. I promise. I am.

But the summary is that it kind of turned out to be the gem of the summer. Two of our really big challenges were already upon me and my husband, and a third was just hitting the fan when this adventure began. I didn't know if I should even be out there on the trail for so many reasons, but it turned out to be the best decision I could have made.

I am massively grateful for the friends who put in all of the work to plan this adventure and who turned out to be amazing people with whom to share the trail!

173 Miles that looked something like this

Triumphant at the end of our journey: Me, Chris, Tyler, Curt, and Joe. (And Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.)

A New Kitchen

This is another one that I am not going to give all the details on because I really want to do a full post with before and after pictures. There was quite a process, and it looks amazing, but of course, it's still not done. (Started in April, why would we be done by October?) As soon as the back splash and trim are in, there will be lots of pictures! Pinky swear.

Here's Andrew on concrete day. This doesn't show you anything about our kitchen, does it? But just wait until you see the killer concrete counter tops he made me!!

Other Adventures

Of course there were plenty of beautiful trail miles shared with friends, (several times getting caught out in hail and lightning), and other "daily" adventures. In completely non-chronological order:


Hoover Wilderness and Yosemite with Jamie:

Jamie

Happy in the mountains

Alpine lake in the Hoover Wilderness

Running near home:

Castle Peak, Donner Summit

Desolation Wilderness with Betsy

Aloha Lake/Desolation Wilderness with Jamie and Caren

Jason's wedding with the college track crew (no running involved).

I know this was mostly a post in pictures. I don't have a lot of words these days. Honestly though, I'm hoping to find some. I miss writing.

Last summer, my sister declared it to be The Summer of Joy. We did so many wonderful things with family, knowing that with my mom's ALS diagnosis, it would be the last summer with her in good health. It truly was wonderful - three full months of family time up and down the coast.

This one was declared The Summer of Sadness. Aptly named, and thankfully in the rearview mirror.

My sister has already declared next summer to be The Summer of Healing. I'm assuming that means more family trips, and I'm all for that! In fact, I'm pretty much ready for summer right now.